Nothing. They mean absolutely nothing to me. Some days my ED voice tells me that my body is all I’m worth. But the reality is that my eating disorder will always be an unhealthy coping mechanism, a diversion from the actual problem. When I feel shitty about my body, it means something completely unrelated is wrong. Berating my body hurts less than what is actually hurting whether it be depression or just a dump in the road.
Thankfully, my body image has changed considerably. The way I view my body doesn’t hold me back as much anymore. I can say now without even flinching that I am beautiful. This year I’ve really grown to love my curves. Bad body image days happen. It still boggles my mind that I can wake up in the morning and look in the mirror and think, “Goddamn, I am a sexy goddess.” But then when I eat something and look in that same mirror literally five minutes later, I’ve magically gained 50 lbs. It sucks. Still, on most days, I can say, I am beautiful.
But I don’t think I ever would have been able to say that if I didn’t learn how to love the me that really counts – the person on the inside. My eating disorder has always been about hiding the things about myself that I saw as ugly and shameful. None of these things were physical. If I became perfection on the outside, no one would ever see the imperfections on the inside. It took a lot of blood, sweat, and tears to open myself back up after I tried to starve them out of me. I have flaws. Plenty of them. But so does everyone else. It was hard to convince myself that letting people see the “ugly” sides of me wouldn’t scare them off. And sadly, they did. It hurt at the time and even looking back it stings, but the people who didn’t stay made room for people who would, and now I have an abundance of friends and family who love me for me.
I am beautiful. My heart is beautiful. My mind is beautiful. My body is beautiful. Feeling strong makes me feel sexy. And I mean, c’mon. I had to dance around in granny panties in front of an audience. If I was able to make that sexy, I am sexy.