Today I was going through an old journal of mine and stumbled on this entry from two years ago. I wrote it right after my last therapy session before I moved back to Keene (a grueling decision I made that I thank myself every day for making). I thought it might be helpful to share as it gave me some needed insight on how much progress I’ve made in recovery.
August 22, 2011
Today was my last day of therapy. This is what I have learned:
- I am much braver and stronger than I thought.
- My depression and eating disorder do not define me.
- Anger is not a useless emotion. But hold on to it for too long, and it becomes toxic.
- I can stand up for myself intelligently and with class.
- My friends and family are my greatest motivators. But they are not my saviors. At the end of the day, the only person who can pick myself up and move forward is me.
- Be honest with yourself and with others. Always.
- There is no point in keeping things bottled up. It will only hurt yourself. If you just talk things out and tell the truth, you will have a healthier and stronger relationship with yourself along with the people around you.
- Assumptions can lead to the worst misunderstandings. Just talk. (Notice a trend?)
- Making mistakes is human, and I am not an exception to that.
- I love me.
When I wrote these ten, say, commandments, I was praying they were true, still not ready to let go of the disordered hand that guided me through most of my life. They were merely lessons to me that had yet to be practiced. Nearly two years later, I can let out a big sigh of relief. These are no longer mantras I have to mentally recite to myself every day. They are engrained beliefs that I no longer question. They are all true. It’s hard to believe there was a time when these words were foreign to me. I may not always be happy where I am now, but I’m not where I used to be and that’s good enough for me. *pats self on the back*