Sometimes I think that the only thing I excel at is my eating disorder. It’s the only thing I truly know what the hell I’m talking about.
I sing. I act. I write. I draw. I make random shit. But do I excel at any of those things?
Even though it may appear to my mom that I’ve done nothing but watch Sherlock and lose countless brain cells to Tumblr these past few weeks, every thought in my head is laced with the question, “What is my next step?”
I have entertained a couple ideas. However, none of them offer me any stability. If there’s one thing that triggers me, it’s stability, or rather the lack of stability. I am someone who values happiness over money, and it makes me so upset feeling like I have to sacrifice one for the other. I don’t think going down the “traditional” post-college route is for me. You know, the get a crap job and be miserable indefinitely path. If I’ve learned anything in the last 5 years, it’s that normalcy will never be my thing. But when I feel like every door is closed to me, I think, “Suck it up, Kristine. Do what everyone else is doing.”
*starts filling out application to Dunkin Donuts*
*slowly puts down pen*
Then I think about college, and even though I don’t necessarily regret it because I never would have met the friends I have now and had the experiences I had, I don’t think it was the best path for me. Growing up, I hated school. Once I passed the stage of education that had a scheduled nap time, I was done. Nap time turned into 20 minute leisurely walks around the building whenever I felt too claustrophobic in my desk. Every night before I went to bed, I would say to my mom, and I quote, “Just so you know, I’m not going to school tomorrow.” That probably went on until my very last day of senior year.
Do not misunderstand me, please. I love learning. But everyone learns and develops in a different way. I do not fit the mold of what people expect a student should be. When I was dragged along on college tours while my sister was applying to schools, I felt a little jolt of excitement at the prospect of learning in a place that had limitless possibilities. I could finally learn what I wanted to learn and in a way that I could excel. But when it came time for me to look at colleges, I felt nothing.
So I picked Keene because they had bells that played The Beatles. I’m not kidding.
I also went to college because it was what I was expected to do.
And now everyone (except my mom) expects me to be working that shit job and living at home. Or married.
Right. If those are my only two options, I need to make a third option.
(any suggestions or roadmaps are welcome)