Why do I want to recover? Because I won’t gain anything from losing weight. But I can lose everything. I can lose friends. I can lose trust. I can lose faith. I can lose love. I can lose mintues, days, years. I know because I have and I can never get any of it back.
All the best moments of my life happened when I was recovered. I never got anything I wanted until I stopped measuring my happiness in numbers. Whether they be passions, friends, or lovers, I met all the loves of my life when I let it all go.
And whenever I let the numbers back in, I lose what I love the most, and soon the only thing I’m left counting is the number of people and things I’ve lost to this fucking disease.
I was wrong when I said I won’t gain anything from losing weight. I did.
I gained a lesson.
Eating disorder behaviors come in many shapes and sizes. Some are more difficult to get rid of than others. Instead of tackling all of them at once (you’re setting yourself up for failure), pick one. Once you’ve identified the behavior, be mindful of when you might use it. When you are in a position when you would go to that behavior, replace it with a positive coping skill.
Lately, body checking has been my biggest disordered behavior. Whether physically or mentally, it’s something I need to work on. Looking at my refleciton everytime I pass a a window, obsessing over the way my stomach feels, etc. I need to be more dilligent about counter-attacking negative self talk. I used to be so much better at it. I have definitely become lazier about it and letting things slide. Whenever something bad happens, I always turn to battering my body with negative self talk. It’s a habit I need to break again.
Today, I started off feeling pretty shitty about my body. So to counter it, I went for a jog for the first time in months. I used to have a solid jogging routine during the summer, and it was nice to do my usual route. It took a lot longer than usual, but it was good that I did it anyway. And when I was done, I didn’t deprive myself of a meal like I normally would because I “can’t gain back all the calories I burned.” It felt good to be active and not focus on the amount of time it took me or how long I ran for. Baby steps. I’ll be back to the level I used to be at in no time. I just need to be patient and kind to myself. 🙂