Self Care

When caught up in an eating disorder it’s easy to lose yourself. We forget to take care of our bodies. Find time today to practice an act of self-care. This could be treating yourself to see a movie, painting your nails, going for a relaxing walk, or playing music. Do something that will help promote a healthy mind and a healthy body. 

Honestly, today was a fairly light day for me, but I’ve been feeling annoyingly body conscious lately.  So after my film shoot, I went with my never-fails-to-make-me-smile act of self care:

Be with my best friend, Aaron.  

It’s hard to feel shitty about my body around this guy.  He protects me from spiders, continuously enables my coffee addiction, and most of all, is there for me more than anyone outside of my family, even when I suck.

The point is, when you have people in your life who truly love you and make you feel good, it’smuch easier to recover and live a happy life.  I’ve had some people in my life who, yes, I loved dearly, but were holding me back from my recovery because they made me feel like shit.  As hard as it is to let those people go, it’s the best thing for your recovery and happiness.  I’ve had to do it, and it hurts.  I never thought I could be on my own without these people.  But when I look back, it was like the last thing standing in my way.  And I know we are much happier without each other.  Letting go made room for an amazing group of people that I now call my friends here at Keene, who genuinely want to be in my life, even when the going gets tough.  I always worried that if I opened up to people, they would drop me…  

But they’re still here.      

I hope you all find that someday. 

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Find your identity

All too often people take on the identity of their diagnosis. People say, “I’m anorexic” or “I’m bulimic” or “I’m EDNOS”, they are taking the disease as an identity.

For today, challenge this identity. If you find yourself saying something like “I’m bulimic” or “I’m anorexic” try to change that into “I have anorexia” or “I suffer with bulimia”. Along with challenging the thoughts, try to find who you really are.

I am:

A daughter.

A sister.

A friend.

A singer.

A writer. 

A nurturer.

A dreamer. 

A fighter. 

A survivor.

Take on a fear food

I had a bagel this morning, bright and early and ready to get it out of the way.  I was hungry and wanted more than just a coffee to sustain me for the next 6 hours of classes.  Having a friend with me usually makes it easier to take on fear foods so there was minimal guilt, and goddamn, did I enjoy it!

Bagels became my fear food for me when my mom told me that white flour was essentially the root of my weight “problems”.  I don’t know if you’ve realized this, but white flour is used in a hell of a lot of foods.  Cutting that out doesn’t give you a while lot of options when it comes to meals, especially for a poor college student.  Despite the fact that at the time my mom thought she was just passing on some health wisdom, that one statement stuck with me and is still something that I have a hard time not listening to.  Using word like ‘should’ or ‘shouldn’t with food can be hindering to any sort of recovery.  Remember that if you or someone you know is struggling.

Write a letter to your body

Dear body,

I’m sorry for taking everything out on you.  Five years ago, and I still remember the day I realized I was killing you.  It wasn’t until I started crying that I heard your cries for help.  I am truly sorry.

But as sorry as I am, I don’t regret all that I put you through – us through.  The scars underneath my skin are no longer open wounds.  I sewed myself up.  I earned those scars.

When I tell you I hate you, what I mean to say is, I hate me.  I hate me for being stubborn.  I hate me for being too sensitive.  I hate me for the things I’ve lost.  I hate me for not paying the bills on time.  I hate me for not running that extra mile.  I hate me for crying.  I hate me for putting my sister through hell.  I hate me for having the life my mom never had.  I hate me for never calling my dad back.  But most of all, I hate me for getting seduced by this disease and being robbed of minutes, days, years wasting away instead of living.

And when I tell you I love you, what I mean to say is, I love me.  I love me for my heart.  I love me for being able to feel.  I love me for my voice.  I love me for not being afraid to say truthful things.  I love me for my tendency to put others ahead of myself.  I love me for my imagination.  I love me for all the thoughts that run through my head, even the ones that keep me up at night.  I love me for my ability to forgive.  I love me for my strength to survive.  I love me for my hope.

You carry all that I love, no matter how many times I’ve had to learn how to walk.

And over the years, the days of I love you began to outweigh the days of I hate you, and soon I fell in love with myself, and when you fall in love with someone, you love them for everything they are – good and bad.

It isn’t easy, but it’s gotten easier.  Thank you for not giving up on me, even when I begged you to let me go.

Lots of love,
Kristine

p.s. Thank you for stepping out of your comfort zone and taking a chance doing Rocky Horror.  Taking a chance gave me a chance at a new experiences, new friends, and a newfound love for you and myself.